For nearly 2 months, I've been plagued by a herniated vertebral disc and resulting pinched nerve (at L5/S1). Let me tell you, it's getting really old and I'm over it. Though most of the back pain has subsided, the pinched nerve makes it impossible to rise from sitting, get into and out of the car, and tie my shoes without pain. I'm not supposed to lift anything, bend over for periods of time, sit, or do any impact exercise. It's manageable, but what has been taking the biggest toll on me is the way it inhibits my normal mental state and parenting.
My poor children have gotten used to mommy's back hurting. They know I cannot lift them up. They know by the scowl on my face that my back hurts. I have not been able to jump on the trampoline with them or do "airplane" or any other type of physical activity. And, while they are usually sympathetic, what is one to do with a screaming 4 year old when one cannot physically relocate said 4 year old? My daughter was in serious need of a time out (away from other people) yesterday but refused to go take a break. Normally, I would have scooped her up and relocated her myself, but I cannot do that because of my back pain. I'm at a loss with appropriate back-up strategies, so I just stood there while my 4 year old flailed her limbs about and emitted screams in volumes no innocent bystander should have to be exposed to. Sigh. It was painful for her too.
My body is falling apart. I remember, as a child, looking at my mom at my age and thinking she was old. So what does that make me? Old. I'm old. At almost 35 years old, I'm old. I wonder if old is what my children think of me. I feel like this injury is equally robbing them!
The funny thing is, aside from injury, I don't feel old. I want to resume running. I want to be able to do the labor getting my garden ready. Damn this injury! I am limited by what my body will let me do. For once, motivation is not the disabling factor.
It has given me perspective, however (that hopefully will not be lost when my back is healed). I realize that what I used to find annoying, troublesome or strenuous (picking up a screaming child, bending down to look at some bug my son found, or pushing the rake in the garden), is now what I wish I could do most. Why do we always take the little things for granted? It amazes me how not being able to run has affected me physically, mentally and emotionally. Yesterday, I was itching to work my hands in the earth as I watched my devoted husband turn over the soil in our garden for me (Happy Mother's Day to me - thank honey!).
I had a long talk with my body while in the pool this morning. I hope it heard me.
I think you are amazing and I like hearing your spirit. I would like to hear how you do so much in one day. I am also running so I like to hear that you do it also. I like when you said in your intro that you wouldn't have it any other way. I also work a lot and I am learning that I kind of like it too. It seems that my life is flying by though, but I guess its better then having nothing to do. Good luck with balancing everything, it sounds like your doing well.
ReplyDeleteI so much admire you. You could fulfill many responsibilities at once. Moreover, I could see that you are kind of person controlling your life like the captain of a ship. You know what you want, who you are and why you want it. These characteristics shape a winner in life. I believe you can do it and get your dream come true one day.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you!